Looking For A Caretaker, Part 2

Sunday, October 27, 2013

I'm feeling a little emotional right now and I think it is mainly because of those damn hormone fluctuations during PMS, haha.

But I also have another problem that I'm being forced to face, as we speak.

As many of you may know by now, I do emcee during the weekends.

Nian and I have rather special working hours. He usually has to work on at least one of the weekend but most of the time, he works on both days.

I want to say that it sucks, but I can't, because he gets off days in the week and that is really great because coupled with my weird schedule, we do get some really good days together doing things during weekdays.

For the past months, whenever I have an event to host, my mother-in-law will make a trip up to our place to take care of Dylan for us. I'm very thankful for her kind gesture because she takes care of another kid on weekdays and instead of resting over the weekend, she comes over without any complains at all.

However, there will be another newborn that is coming in a few weeks' time and it is almost impossible for my mother-in-law to be handling three kids. This is probably one of the last few weeks I am going to receive her help and after that, I'm pretty much on my own.

That's when I get really frustrated and upset because I really don't have much choices available for me:

1. Hire a nanny and get her to stay over our place

Not possible because there is no one at home. I don't feel safe having a stranger in my house, alone with my son.

2. Hire a nanny and get Dylan to stay over at her place.

If I can't get used to a stranger at my home alone with my son, I cannot convince myself to have my son alone with a stranger at her house. Lol I hope I don't sound ridiculous here because it does make sense in some way if you think about this carefully.

3. Stop emceeing

This will be the very last resort because hosting is what I'm good at and I bring home a huge portion of my money from these eight days.

***

As you can see, all of these choices are detrimental to me in various ways. I feel like I'm being forced to choose between money or my son and it SUCKS.

If I choose my son, I won't have any money. There is no point taking allowance from Nian because technically I'm spending OUR money and if I don't bring home any, I'll just simply be eating into our savings.

If I choose money, I'm somehow sacrificing my son to "deal with it" himself while his mom and dad work, although it is just 2 days a week. Some kids deal with it for 7 days a week, I know.

I don't know if I'm being selfish. Even though I've already willingly given up a lot of things for Dylan, the lack of help is makes me feel like I'm forced to just give up every single thing I do, every single thing that defines me, one by one.

I resigned from my previous job because it was taking too much time away from me to spend with Dylan.

I stopped playing netball, I stopped attending bloggers' events and I hardly go out for dinner with friends anymore, simply because there won't be anyone taking care of Dylan. I accept this sacrifice willingly for my child because I love him more than anything else in the world, even though I do get a little sad turning down invitation after invitation.

I feel like everyone has got time to do things that they like, but I don't.

Nian gets to play his soccer once or twice every week. I haven't touched a netball in months. But that is okay.

My mother-in-law, despite her hectic schedule, gets her weekly respite in mahjong with her friends. I don't. I don't even have time to meet my friends. But that is okay.

But now, I may have to give up my well-paying part time job because there is no one to help me. Not even 8 days in a month. And I cannot not work because NOBODY IS GONNA GIVE ME MONEY FOR STAYING AT HOME.

You guys see my frustration?

My only hope now is to look for ad hoc nanny who is willing to travel down to my event venue with me, along with Dylan. Dy will be able to see me and vice versa, so the both of us will feel safe and secure.

I also won't need to worry about Dylan being left alone and risk getting pushed away by bad people if I were to bring him down alone (unless my helper is sleeping, oh good lord please don't let this happen wtf) and there is someone to help me to put him to sleep when he is sleepy and make milk for him when he is hungry and things like that.

It makes me breathe normally again.

But of course, who would be willing to do this for me? I'm crossing my fingers and praying very hard. I know God can help me, even when no one else can.


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2 comments

  1. Hi Jacqueline, I understand your situation right now as most mom faced this dilemma too, especially for some mom who have 2 kids. But I thought Dylan is in the infant care?

    For nanny, looking for someone older (your mom's age), any friends that recommend?

    My 2 cents of thought, I know you are miss the growing up stage of Dylan but if you have 1 more kid, you are giving up your job again?

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  2. I understand your situation. Me too is trying to decide whether we should seriously find a part-time nanny or a full time maid in our house to take care of Naomi. But I am just not ready to let her being with someone else after taking care of her full time since the day she was born..... But I also want to financially contribute to our household by working part time. It's just hard to work from home and baby sitting a toddler who now can run and is very active.

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