The Scariest Dreams

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I think the scariest dreams are always dreams that revolve around death. Especially deaths of your loved ones.

I always dream of deaths, you know. I dunno why. I've dreamed of my Grandmother and Grandfather dying when they were alive.. and the most memorable one was dreaming that Papa Chan was going to die cuz it felt so real!

What didn't make sense was he was actually walking down the slopes of the multistorey carpark when I met him halfway. I asked him where he was going, he replied that he was leaving (but somehow I understood that it meant he was gonna die) and I had to take care of Mama Chan and the two sisters for him.

So I was like, "Nooooo! Don't leave, Daddy!" and clung on him and cried and cried and cried. Then I told him that I wanna leave with him, he told me no. I had to take care of the family omg.

***
Last week, I dreamed that Nian died. I've dreamed of him cheating on me most of the time lol but this is the first time I dreamed of him dead. It was terrifying.

When I dreamed of him cheating on me, I wake up feeling very indignant and angry with him but this time, all I felt was this hollow, empty feeling. Sad would totally be an understatement man.

The dream started with him already dead. I didn't see his body; it was like a post-funeral kinda thing, where I saw myself walking aimlessly, holding my handphone wishing that it would ring and Nian's face will flash up, but of course, it didn't.

All sorts of thoughts went through my head...

"Why am I widowed so young? What am I s'posed to do now? OMG I MISS HIM SO MUCH T___T"

Then I tried dialling his number. Again and again, again and again. I hear it ring and ring and I know that no one is gonna pick up on the other side of the line yet I kept trying and trying. Oh God. The feeling was so... helpless.

I called Mama Tan in my dreams next. When she picked up the call, all I did was to cry out loud, "Mum, I'm so sad!"

And I was indeed so sad that I was crying while sleeping beside Nian, it freaked him out and he kept shaking me to wake me up. O_O

Even now as I'm typing, I am still feeling the after-effects, even after one week wtf. One of the thoughts I had while dreaming was... "What if we will never meet again?"

It's like how many of us believe that when our loved ones die, they go up the heaven. So the heaven is like a congregation place where when we die and we go up there, we will see all of them again.

But what if this is not true? What if this is just a theory came up by people to help others to grieve and move on? What if the fact is that when people die, they just disappear and degenerate into the earth and you will never, ever see them again?

I cannot imagine that I will never meet Nian, will never be able to feel his warm hands or listen to his stupid crapshit jokes or see any of my loved ones again. It makes me feel broken-hearted all over again for whatever I've already lost (i.e. grandpa and grandma) and makes me scared of losing the rest of them, simply because death is inevitable.

It just comes sooner or later.

Yikes. This post is so morbid, I'm sorry. But I'm feeling so weighed down by it I can't even think about anything else at the moment. :(

Have you ever had dreams like these that don't only grip you in dreamland, but it cripples you even when you're awake?

P.S. I don't believe in those dream intepretations that you find online but I feel that I have a need to justify this because every time I talk about my dreams, there will be readers who will use these interpretations and dictate how I "truly feel". -__-

Please, by all means, google whatever you want but do not apply it on me because I believe that these interpretations do not work for everyone - just like horoscopes. I will suggest to you not to take it too seriously too.

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