When emotions supercedes logic

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Yesterday, my friends were discussing fervently about this Yuki and Alvin couple.

In a nutshell, Yuki and Alvin had been together for 3 years and it was broken up by a third party.

Actually, this news wouldn't even be considered as "news" if not for the third party being one of the popular bloggers in Singapore.

I felt prompted to write this post because after reading Yuki's posts, my emotions were so raw... It was kinda like digging open a recovered wound.

Ok, that may be an overstatement. It actually doesn't really hurt anymore lol. More of like I could feel what she was going through - the hurt, the betrayal, and most importantly, the cruelty Alvin put her through. I could understand why she wanted to write about it and let everyone know how she was shortchanged in her relationship because I did that in the past, too.

If you don't already know what I went through, then you don't need to read on cuz you won't understand anyway lol. I'm not planning to repeat the story because I'm done repeating the story and also because I've been repeating it so many times back then I sounded like a broken radio. And most importantly, because the story is no longer important now.

What is important is what I've learned from the story. And here it is. This post.

Reading Yuki's posts is like an out-of-body experience. Kinda like you're already dead but your soul stands and watch how you die. Kinda morbid, but you get what I mean lol.

And exactly because of this out-of-body experience, I don't feel the pain that clouds my logic, I started putting myself back some 4 years ago and asked myself questions which I wasn't able to answer in the past.

Somehow, looking at it now made me understood my actions and myself even more.

Why did Yuki write all these? Why did I write about my previous relationship back then? What did we, being the 'victims' want out from these?

I don't know about Yuki, but I was burning with rage and despair back then.. and I wanted everyone involved to burn along as well. I was angry, I felt cheated because I believed I put in my all back then, but it was not reciprocated.

And so I started writing. I wanted everyone to know what happened. I wanted people to stand up for me and console me and tell me that I was not wrong and I didn't deserve all those nonsense.

But as time passes, do you know what I realize?

I realized everyone just loves a drama. Myself included. Why would I read about Yuki's story? I don't even know any of them.

Every time I write something angry about E and C, my blog stats jump. Is it because they empathize with me and are supporting me? Not really. More like waiting for more juicy stories that I was dying to share... and feeding me with even more stories that drove me in an anger-high.

I leeched on all these virtual support to keep myself going. Every time someone comments "what a slut she is!", it makes me happy because I thought, "yes, she is!" It makes me felt like I was right - how come E doesn't see it like me?

But looking at it again, what does all these boil down to? Nothing.

Did anything change? Nope.

The fact is that my previous relationship ended and no matter how much I said and did, nothing has changed.

I'm not sad at all, I'm just saying that it is actually quite futile to declare to the world who has cheated and who is wrong because we are all forgetful like that. If Yuki is writing to vent out her sorrows, go ahead. But if she's having the intention to bring the 3rd party down with her posts, I'll say it will only work for a short while.

As time passes, she will still get her weekly advertisers. She will still be earning big bucks. Yes, people will remember her as a third party but NOT because of whatever Yuki has posted, but because of her popularity.

Nothing will ever change.

Do you still hate C, then? For whatever she has done?

That was my next thought after that. Actually, I was kinda reluctant to mention her again but I decided to do so because I know she is still reading my blog.

To be honest, I stopped hating her for ending my previous relationship a long time ago, and here's why.

Because maybe they really love each other.

I asked myself, if I had met Nian when he was attached, will I still try to be with him? Shamefully, my answer is yes. It doesn't matter what Nian's answer is, the point is that I don't mind being a third party as long as I get to be with him. If he breaks up with his (imaginary) girlfriend, then all the better.

I always tell my girlfriends when we talk about third parties, "I dunno why attached men they also want!"

Now, I know why. It's not because they like guys who are attached. It is just the third party's bad luck that the one they love is taken by someone else faster. You can't really control love, can you?

But that being said, it is a different situation if the guy wants to end the affair and the 3rd party 死拉着不放 (die also don't wanna let go) ok. That one, the 3rd party should wake up a bit - like hello, party's over and the boy is going home. Leave him alone already.

***


In the past, I always thought that if C doesn't appear, maybe E and I wouldn't have broken up.

But is that really the case? I don't think so.

Maybe we would have broken up anyway, just that it probably wouldn't be so hurting and dramatic lol.

So was I the one being sacrificed, or C just happens to be there at the wrong place and wrong time and fell in love with a 'wrong' guy and eventually became the scapegoat of our failed relationship, just like the 3rd party in Yuki's case?

You know, at the end of the day, probably C and I are at the losing end of the entire mess - with me losing a boyfriend and her losing her reputation.

That's why every time I hear of a cheating story like this, I always look down on the cheater. Because they win it all while the rest of us lose it all. How fair is this?


If there's something I can tell Yuki.....

I'll tell her not to focus too much on the details because that will just kill her even more. Don't think about the number of condoms left in the drawer. Don't think about how the 3rd party leaves things in the car on purpose. Don't think about how she slaps her sister (I know it's kinda hard on this one. I'd have murdered somebody if I were her), Don't think about how the car seat has changed position...

Because it is exactly all these details that she struggles to remember that will kill her.

Now.

Both C and E are getting married and I'm really happy for them!









Meh, joking.

Truth is, I don't really feel anything for them wtf. It's like watching two strangers settling down actually.. like I'm not really happy cuz they are not my friends or anything and I'm not unhappy cuz there's nothing for me to be unhappy also.

But I was right - they are in love with one another, which makes me feel like we are all in a win-win situation now. They get to be with one another and I get to find the right man for me, so I guess I'm in the best situation out of a cheating relationship lol.

***

Since we're at this, here are some other (honest) stuff that I hope C will read (which I know she does la lol):

1. Of the same clothes -  I copy you, you copy me, it doesn't really matter to me anymore. While I do try my best not to have the same clothes as you, this doesn't stand if I really like the dress or I honestly did have the dress before you bought it. I don't take your photos and doodle your face to show the world we have the same dresses, so I hope you will respect me and not do it anymore.

2. Of calling my husband, son, friends and family ugly names AND naming where I work - You've never heard me saying that I find your family pathetic because of you, you've never seen me calling your brother ugly names, I don't link u with your company whenever I talk about you and I think you shouldn't do it too. If you're unhappy with me, come for me.

3. I really hope that you're not getting married on the 8th of August cuz that's my wedding date. I feel really weird if we share the same wedding date wtf. But of course, that's entirely your perogative, just wondering... wouldn't you feel odd too? I'm honestly just wondering.

4. Yes, I did check out your LinkedIn. And you checked mine out too.

5. That "空口说白话" tweet that you took so personally? It is honestly not about you. I can't tell you who I was bitching about cuz maybe that person reads my blog too, but all I can tell you is that it is not you. And the wedding ring in the photo is really nice. This was exactly what I told my friends as well.

6. I don't know why you choose to give tuition near where I stay, since you live quite out of my area (notice I'm not mentioning where you're staying ya?), but to be reallllllllyyyy honest, you looked really sloppy that day when we saw you. What were you thinking? Baggy top with baggy shorts and a mismatched bag, you're 'letting me win' without even me trying!

No seriously, I'm not being mean. If you were my friend and I saw you with the clothes you wear, I will say the same thing also. Comfort is one thing, you shouldn't look cui, if you get what I mean. And if I were you, I would probably wear something better if I'm giving tuition near your place! Wouldn't you want me to bump into you at your best and let me be amazed that you actually look good, given that I always say that you're fat and ugly?

7. It has been 4 years since our 'Yuki-and-Alvin' story. I don't want it to continue anymore. Let's try by smiling at one another the next time we meet, how about that?

Of course, you can choose not to. I'm just taking the first step since you actually tried reaching out to me years ago but I rejected you flat in your face.

***

Never knew this Yuki-and-Alvin story 让我感触良多。

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