If I Were A Politician...

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Just a few days more to the election and honestly, apart from the i) Royal Wedding, ii) Osama's death and iii) How pretty I am (KIDDIN!), the most talked about subject has to be the election.

So I was simulating a rally scene at work with my colleague, and during this 10 minutes of play-acting, I sort-of came up with a set of sure-win policies.

Feel free to read it through, and if you and I share the same outlook for the people of Singapore, you can.. urm.. like my post below hahaha wtf.

Ok whatever, don't like my post. It will be very embarrassing if I ask people to like my post and then scully no one likes it. I will just pretend to be surprised when I check back the next time and go, "Ooooh! Someone actually likes my policies! I can be the next Nicole Seah!"

Here's policy #1. If I am voted into the parliament, I will lobby for 3 days of weekends instead of the existing 2.

And since Monday sucks so bad, I shall lobby to have every Mondays as public holiday for Singaporeans!

Why is it good: With an additional 24 hours a day, married people can actually choose to stay at home and make babies (which is good because we WANT to increase birth rate, no?). Single Singaporeans can also spend more time out making new friends and increase chances of getting hitched! (Also indirectly increasing birth rate, yay!)

The problem: We (as in JDP - Jacqualine's Democratic Party) understand that some singles prefer to stay at home and play computers/watch DVDs/surf net the entire day, which totally defeats the purpose of having an additional day off. Fret not. By the end of the two years of our reign, we will assess their love lives. If they are STILL single, we still have our SDU to send them to! And this time, it will. be. made. compulsory. Hehe.

The catch: As this is only applicable to Singaporeans, we are sorry to say that all PR/foreign talents (this includes high-paying expats too, yoo-hoo) will have to work. Now, coming to Singapore isn't such a good thing anymore, eh?

Policy #2: The price of your house is dependent on your pay.

Similar to WP's proposal, the price of the flats will be dependent on your pay. It totally makes sense actually - it's like if you only earn $10 a month, then surely you can't buy a $100 item because that will make you in debt.

And when you're in debt, all you think about is clearing your debt, making you not have interest to do other things (like making babies, again. LOL). Which of course, the JDP will not want that to happen. As such, we have drafted up this pay-scale vs HDB size chart:

Combined Income                    HDB Size
< $1,000                    1 room
$1,000 - $3,000                    3 room
$3,001 - $6000                    4 room
> $6,000                    Up to you

"Up to you" sounds pretty good, yes? By "up to you", we mean you can get anything bigger than a 4 room flat. But you're not eligible for anything smaller. Freakin' rich but just the both of you, too empty a house to live in? MAKE BABIES!

Another good thing the JDP is gonna put in place, is those subsidies we all love for young couples and families! I will go more into the subsidies when I get voted, thank you. And oh, because JDP is very pro-Singaporeans, all these are not applicable to foreigners. Foreigners want to own an apartment, no problem. You guys pay market rate. And you're not allowed to marry Singaporeans. We don't believe in love knows no bounds - especially you, that PRC woman in curly hair!

 What? So now, coming to Singapore isn't that awesome afterall, right?

Policy #3: All companies must not exceed 7 hours of working hours. Or you'd be fined. And your money will be split between the JDP for our next election and your workers.

Ever heard of people dying on their work tables and only be found out a day later? Life should never be all about work! Technically, it should be balanced. 50-50. As such, with an average of 20 working days now, the implementation of Mondays-Off will bring it down to about 16 days, which is about 50% of a month.

Besides, our logic is simple. Can you sit and watch a movie for 7 hours straight? Obviously not. If you can't even sit and enjoy for 7 hours, what makes you think you can WORK for 7 hours? Everybody say wow.

And oh, all Singaporeans should also have a minimum wage of $2500, and minimum 14 days of leave. Did you read Singaporeans only? Yes!

But because JDP believes in "balance", while all these policies are not beneficial to foreign talents, special cases can be discussed. For example, our Bangladeshi workers who work 12 hours a day and only earns freakin' $30 a day or something.

This, will be taken into consideration as we draft up our policies as we go along.

JDP will promise a more fulfilling life as a Singaporean, where life is not always about work, work and more work. It's about family bonding (so as to increase birth rate [on repeat mode] and decrease divorce rates)! And yes, we are also considering on doing away CPF too. WTF, the housing so cheap already you guys still need us to help you save, you might as well go and die.

So, will you vote for JDP? Coming 7 May, VOTE WISELY.

Disclaimer: This is a purely fictitious post, I do not belong to any party and I have no plans to take part in the real election. The policies above, are just a resonance of an ideal life we all will love. Of course, please feel free to take them into consideration but at no moment am I serious about making this work. Lol. Ok thanks for reading!

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